I sit on the toilet at 3 a.m. every night, fate scrolls on my phone. I’m constantly refreshing and gorging myself on graphics. I must have the latest figuresâ¦ do I buy more or do I sell? Am I a diamond-handed alpha or a paper-handed cuckold?
Dogecoin – a cryptocurrency novelty – is booming, and the wider world of digital money has recently seen a remarkable boom among amateur investors, thanks to online forums such as Reddit. These people are hiding for nothing, but it’s too much fun to stop. The terrible truth is that I have also become totally addicted to crypto and yearn for unhindered access to hard digital dosh.
Cryptocurrencies are types of digital money that people invest in. Most of us are probably familiar with the Big Daddy of the crypto world, Bitcoin. Although with prices currently at an exorbitant price of $ 48,000 per BTC, and an accident surely only around the corner,it may seem like an intimidating investment – or totally unnecessary: ââÂ£ 20 would buy you barely 0.000406 of a Bitcoin, currently.
With a nifty plan in place, I approached my financial advisor, aka my wife, and told her: “I would like to take more responsibility with the money in this relationship.” I had a horrendous track record of missed direct debits, late payments, and the occasional – and disastrous – unresolved overdraft. Marriage was great for me, as I could instead focus my energies on areas where I would make a real difference, like emptying the trash cans and cleaning the leftover grime from the kitchen sink.
I just can’t be trusted to take care of the bank accounts.
Miraculously, my financial request was granted: I would go from eunuch to empowerment and could pay a few future bills myself – a kind of financial probation. She handed over the debit card.
I blame the smell of E. Musk in the air. Chief entrepreneur and space cadet Elon recently started defending Dogecoin – a cryptocurrency originally created as a joke to poke fun at the Bitcoin big boys. A month ago, 1 DOGE was worth nothing, but the tweet of the multibillionaire who “Dogecoin is the people’s crypto” went supersonic and saw Dogecoin’s value take off afterward (albeit in relatively modest terms – it’s still only worth around four cents!).
No ups, no downs, only Doge
– Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 4, 2021
I spent the last week running with the Doges, sniffing the Crypto Cyberspace rabbit hole. I’m all for Â£ 90 and a few thousand DOGE’s for good. With the price steadily increasing in recent days, it’s an addicting thrill. As they say on Reddit: âWait! Socket! Socket!”
Rock God Gene Simmons even focused on the action. Of course, I inform friends on WhatsApp. One of them answers me and tells me he just bought fifty pounds. Another says his wife is skeptical, “But wait until we are in Monte-Carlo, smoking Cubans” he adds, just blowing Â£ 200 on the Doges! What did I do ? notions of “This time next year, Rodney” …
Without getting discouraged, I decide it’s time to diversify my portfolio and dip my toe into the beautiful and scary and futuristic world of Ethereum. Ether, or ETH, is another cryptocurrency and is described as “A global and decentralized platform for money and new kinds of applications”. It all sounds a bit too much like Terminator territory to me. Skynet, anyone?
Still, Ether is trading at an all-time high per minute, with 1 ETH currently worth salivating Â£ 1,300. The dismal 0.021 ETH I dared to buy would get you around two big Domino pizzas. But I have read people online who claim to spend Â£ 100 on it every payday. This is risky behavior for a cryptocurrency that could collapse at any time. However, a poster on Reddit, Dangeruk, claims he paid off his mortgage and posted a bond on a new car – all thanks to Ether.
It’s that kind of frenzied excitement that keeps us going – crypto-freaks and noobs like me, who feel like they’ve uncovered the internet’s best-kept secret. I smile, realizing that my investment is up five cents from yesterday. Everything revolves around these gainz.
I’m probably stuck in a cup. Cryptos are notoriously volatile, due to their unregulated nature, and are not controlled by a central bank. Additionally, there is currently no cap on the number of Dogecoins that can be ‘mined’, with a theoretically endless amount available to everyone around the world, ever. It is not good for maintaining an increase in the value of the currency regardless of the demand. The temptation to invest more and more money in it is ridiculous. It looks like an addiction. It is most definitely the game.
Now where is this bank card?
Suddenly a soft, angelic voice calls from the living room, “Have you ever paid those bills?” Swallowing and wiping my forehead, I stand up. “Honey, I have something to tell you.” What happens next involves a lot of soft nods and, “Okay, honey, put the debit card down and no one will be hurt.”
I caught my breath and took a step back, but the glorious crypto is still there, resting in my digital accounts. Of course, it’s only worth peanuts now, but the seed has been sownâ¦ every Doge will have his day.
In the meantime, I go back to doing the dishes for me. Does anyone need to empty their trash?
Editor’s Note: to learn more about Bitcoin, check out this other article Bitcoin must die.
“Save in Dogecoin Cryptocurrency” by Raisin – Finance Stock Images is licensed under CC BY